A trecut un an. Un an în care am aceleași întrebări ce au rămas fără răspuns. Nici măcar nu am reușit să îmi dau seama dacă mă consumă o furie dureroasă sau o durere furioasă, dar știu că mă consumă, mă erodează, zi de zi.

Credeam că va exista un final la sentimentul ăsta până acum. Dar nu îl văd să existe. Cel puțin nu încă.

Însă ce mă doare cel mai tare este cum s-a rezumat viața unui om la câțiva saci de haine și atât. Nu credeam că momentele în care „să fac curat” se vor întoarce noaptea să mă bântuie sub forma unor coșmaruri.

People, some people, used to ask: „You Ok?” . Yes, yes I am . And then people, some people, stopped asking.

Și mi-am dat seama că nu trebuia să spun că sunt „ok”. Trebuia atunci să profit de moment și să spun că nu sunt ok. Because people will forget pain. People do not like to see pain. So they just throw it away.

Ultimii doi ani au fost de un coșmar incomensurabil, iar oamenii, unii din ei, au uitat. Dar au uitat, nu o durere, ci au uitat un om. And who can blame them. People survive these days, they stopped living. They stopped looking at other people and see just that, a person, a human.

But you, somehow, did manage to see people as I see them. People, humans, not just pawns, but as kings in their own worlds. And I abandoned you. In that hospital bed.

But your dad wasn’t there for you, he abandoned you too…

Yes, but this is the one thing that people don’t understand, that I feel like I have abandoned myself, out of heartache and pain. And I used that to get some sort of retribution. And I wasn’t suppose to be my father, and yet… I was. I failed. And failed badly. Because not only did I fail him, I failed myself too. I took it one step further.

And I am still very angry, and still very hurt, and still so much afraid that I will never be the guy I remember, nor the man I used to think I could be. And some people chose to hurt me again. God knows why, but sometimes people are just that, people. And they make mistakes, like I have made mistakes. I think it is important what we do after we make those mistakes. And… no matter how much it hurts, I have to come to peace that some people will fail again, like I have.

Because people are people. A speck of dust that will come to be blown in the wind. The choice that we have, however, is if we will make other people grieve in pain, but smiling over us, or have nightmares about us.

„We have to be greater than what we’ve suffered”.