The age of fear
As we grow older we find and explore the world and all its possibilites. We learn just how inadequate we really are, how this world is more vast and unreachable than anything, that life is short and you can’t have everything. It’s just compromises, the more you learn the more you fear, and as you grow older there are more and more things to fear.
Will I fail?
How hard will it be?
Is this enough?
Do I have enough?
What is it that I really want and why can’t I have it?
Why can’t I understand what I want?
These things drive us, keep us awake. Long gone are the dreams of a potential future. Once you hit a certain age, dreams tend to dissapear and the uncertainty of future takes their place. What will happen? Why isn’t it the way I wanted to?
You see how other people make different compromises, and you think, „how come its so easy for them to live without X?”. Lives moving forward, years start passing faster and faster, some things change, some don’t, but its not the power of will, its the power of time that keeps us moving. No matter if the decision is good or bad, you move with it, there are chances to change things, but no matter of the decision, you will still face the inevitable consequences of your actions, its just a matter of „when”.
As time moves forward, all you’re left with are memories that tend to change. After a while some of the most vivid ones become altered. You see yourself from a distant 3rd person, a stranger experiencing those things, the moments. Its a funny thing when a smell, or a thought triggers a whole experience, out of thin air. Yet as we go forward, our past selves stay behind. The more things change, the more they stay the same, yet you tend to feel that your past self becomes your other self, that person you were then, at that point in time, someone you might have nothing in common with now. Just the same shell…
Sometimes I just want to hold it in, like now. Its difficult to pour it out. I’m so used to keep it all in, its like holding your breath, but once you exhale, all of it, it’s gone: some great inspiration, ideas, feelings and desires, a matter of seconds. Yet, you know that pouring them out will just sour them up, cut the flame out, pull the rug right from underneath and I feel drained, uninspired and dumb.